Using Coregulation as a Tool, Not a Challenge, During EMDR Reprocessing
When it comes to EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), we often talk about internal resourcing, dual attention, and distress tolerance. But one key element of successful trauma work that doesn’t always get the spotlight it deserves is coregulation.
As a trauma therapist based in Pasadena, CA, I’ve seen firsthand how coregulation can be misunderstood. Too often, it’s seen as something to "work through" or "move beyond" as quickly as possible. Clients sometimes feel shame if they sense themselves needing connection, and therapists can unintentionally reinforce this by treating coregulation as a hurdle to independence. But the truth is: coregulation is not a weakness. It’s a tool — an essential, powerful one — that creates space for healing, especially during EMDR reprocessing.
What is Coregulation?
At its core, coregulation is a process where one nervous system helps to regulate another. In the therapeutic relationship, this happens naturally: our body language, tone of voice, pacing, and presence can offer a calming, steadying influence. When a client is working through difficult memories, especially in the reprocessing phases of EMDR, the therapist’s attuned presence can act as a critical anchor.
Rather than pushing for "self-regulation only" during difficult phases of EMDR, coregulation reminds us that healing from trauma is not a solitary endeavor. Trauma often stems from experiences where support was absent or unsafe. Therefore, healing must sometimes be a shared experience — one that corrects the deep, embodied belief that "no one will be there for me when I need them most."
Coregulation: A Tool for Sitting in the Hard Stuff
In EMDR, reprocessing can bring up highly charged material. There’s a temptation, for both client and therapist, to want to "push through" or "move on" quickly when emotions rise. But speed isn't always synonymous with healing. Sometimes, the real work is found in slowing down and staying connected through the discomfort.
When we use coregulation intentionally, we invite clients to stay present with their emotions, not to bypass them. Through steady presence, therapists offer a felt sense of safety: "You are not alone in this."
Rather than seeing emotional dysregulation as something to "fix" immediately, coregulation allows for sitting with. It offers clients a new experience — being with someone who can tolerate their pain without judgment, discomfort, or abandonment. This is profoundly reparative for the nervous system, especially for those who have never experienced emotional safety before.
How Coregulation Supports EMDR Reprocessing
In the reprocessing phases (phases 4 and 5 of EMDR), clients are asked to "go there" — to recall distressing memories while allowing the mind and body to naturally process them. Coregulation becomes a crucial tool here, not an afterthought.
When a client begins to experience overwhelming affect, a therapist's calm, attuned, and non-anxious presence can:
Help the client stay within their window of tolerance without shutting down or flooding.
Encourage titration, meaning processing a little at a time, rather than retraumatization.
Provide a relational correction to old wounds rooted in abandonment, neglect, or betrayal.
Strengthen internal resources, paradoxically by experiencing external support.
It's important to note: using coregulation doesn't mean "rescuing" a client from their emotions. It means accompanying them — witnessing, supporting, and helping them trust their own resilience while knowing they are not alone.
Shifting the Narrative: Coregulation Isn't a Failure
Somewhere along the way, the narrative emerged that "true healing" happens when clients can "do it all themselves." In reality, expecting hyper-independence from clients (or from ourselves as therapists) mirrors the very defenses trauma often creates: "I can't depend on anyone."
Healing isn't about isolation. It’s about connection.
When clients learn that they can lean into support and still maintain their sense of self, they are learning one of the most critical lessons of trauma recovery. Coregulation models healthy dependence and interdependence, giving permission for authentic, human connection.
Needing support is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of being alive.
Practical Ways Therapists Can Integrate Coregulation During EMDR
If you're a therapist practicing EMDR (or a client currently engaged in the process), here are some practical ways to view coregulation as a tool rather than a problem:
Name it openly: Normalize the need for connection. Let clients know upfront that their nervous system may seek external cues of safety, and that's a strength, not a liability.
Use your body intentionally: Slower breathing, a steady gaze, soft facial expressions, and relaxed posture can all cue safety nonverbally.
Slow the pace when needed: If a client is escalating, slow down the bilateral stimulation, reduce the number of passes, or invite a grounding pause together.
Stay connected, not directive: Rather than telling a client to "calm down" or "breathe," invite them into co-experiencing: "Can we take a breath together?"
Model patience and presence: Show — in your own body and energy — that it’s safe to stay with hard emotions without rushing to fix or avoid them.
Coregulation Creates Space for True Healing
In trauma therapy, particularly EMDR, we must shift our mindset: coregulation isn't something to move beyond — it's something to embrace.
By allowing space for coregulation during EMDR reprocessing, we create opportunities for clients to heal the very wounds that created their deepest fears of abandonment, shame, and unworthiness. We create a bridge between surviving alone and thriving together.
Start Working With an EMDR Therapist in Pasadena, CA
Here in Pasadena, CA, at Thomas Blake Therapy, we honor the role of coregulation every step of the way. Healing doesn't have to be a solo journey. Together, we sit in the hard stuff — not to be consumed by it, but to transform it.
Because you were never meant to do this alone. Start working with a caring therapist by following these steps:
Schedule a free, 15-minute consultation
Meet with a caring therapist
Start finding a safe, supportive and understanding space!
Other Services Offered at Thomas Blake Therapy
At Thomas Blake Therapy, EMDR therapy isn’t the only service we offer. Our team is also happy to offer LGBTQ Therapy to help individuals recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences. We also offer Narrative Therapy and Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. If any of these services resonate with you, feel free to reach out. My online therapy services are offered in the states of California and New Jersey. For more about me and my services, check out my Bio and Blog!
